The Procrastination of Haruhi Suzumiya
by MetaDash
Summary: Needing to finish a project for school, Haruhi comes over to Kyon's house to make sure they finish. Of course nothing is so easy, and distractions and tangents make it difficult. Some Haruhi/Kyon if you squint real hard. One-shot.


**The Procrastination of Haruhi Suzumiya**

Ah, there's nothing like sitting on the couch, leaning back, and enjoying the wonderful world of television. My parents are currently out for the evening, so it's only me watching my little sister. Not that I mind, she's 10 and usually does a good job at staying out of trouble.

Yep, nothing can ruin this.

"Kyon-kun! Door!"

….Except that. Must she continue to call me by that ridiculous nickname? How long have I known her? Something like her _entire_ life, right?

"Alright, alright…."

I get up and walk over to the door, hoping it was just a deliveryman or neighbor asking for a cup of sugar, or something stereotypical like that.

"Hello!"

Instead it was the beaming face of one Haruhi Suzumiya, a girl that would never fail to either get on my nerves or make me so exhausted my nerves would say 'no, get that girl off!"

Otherwise known as the Leader of the SOS Brigade.

Why couldn't have been a Jehovah's Witness instead? I think there's some of those in Japan.

"Hi Haruhi. What brings you over here?"

I could tell that was the wrong question, because her face contorted into one of her usual anger spells. I only wish the other members were around to deflect some of her incoming wrath.

"Idiot! We're supposed to be working on our project!"

Ah, yes…I had forgotten all about that.

"Well _that_ figures!"

Thanks. How about you keep insulting me on my doorstep? We'll make a game out of it! First one to get 500 points wins the golden bell!

"Oh shut up, Kyon." Haruhi said, pushing past me to get inside. "Hmm…..I forgot how dingy this place is." She took off her shoes.

"Would you like some tea or something?" I asked.

"No thanks! Your tea isn't nearly as good as Mikuru-chan's!"

Please don't mention Asahina-san in this house, because I'm going to end up thinking about her, not you, and definitely not this stupid project we have to do.

Oh why did she have to be a year ahead?

"Oh….Haru-chan!" My sister had come in the room and already she had ran over to give her a big hug.

"Hi little sis!"

She's told you her name before, why can't you use it?

"What are you doing here?"

"I have to help your brother with schoolwork because he's so hopeless."

Well I'm glad my sister found that funny, because I don't. I'm no straight A student, but come on, I do better than Tanaguchi, and I think that's a bar we should all avoid if we can.

"Let me show you my room!"

"Okay!"

"Haruhi, are you kidding? Shouldn't we work on the project?"

"Don't be so rude, Kyon! Your cute little sister is inviting me in her room, so it's only fair I take her up on the offer! It's probably better than yours!"

First off, _of course_ you would say that because you're a girl like she is. I'm sure there's a thing like gender bias or something like that.

Second, how is that "fair" to walk into someone's private space because they asked you to? It'd be fair to show her _your_ room instead!

Third, I've told you _my_ name before, why can't you use it?!

As my sister and Haruhi ran off in a flurry of giggles and smiles, the phone rang. I quickly answered it, since it could be my parents checking up on me and my sister.

" _Good evening."_

But it course it can't be them.

"What do you want, Koizumi?" I asked, mentally wishing Asahina-san or Nagato called instead. Does Asahina-san remember my number? I should ask her tomorrow.

" _Oh, I'm just checking up on you. Suzumiya-san mentioned that you and her have to do a project for your class?"_

"Yeah, so? I doubt I'm going to tick her off enough to make the Shinjin go out of control."

" _Oh I didn't call about that_."

"Then why?"

" _Well…..the two of you will be alone._ " His voice had that annoying "I'm so smart" edge to it as usual.

"My sister's with us, too."

" _But if she leaves you alone to work…..well, things do have a way of happening_."

I threw the phone into the wall. Thankfully it didn't break.

Note to self: ask parents to change landline number.

XXXXX

Soon I found Haruhi still in my sister's room, and what I saw was just as ridiculous as I figured.

"You're gonna pay for that, little sis!"

"Nuh-uh! You'll have to catch me!"

They _were pillow-fighting_ each other. Now if this was two older girls this could be an entertaining sight, but it was my 10-year old sister and Haruhi Suzumiya, who was acting like she was 7.

So I just sighed.

"Hmm? Hey! Let's get Kyon-kun!"

"Please do-"

Haruhi immediately threw the heaviest pillow in the room at my face.

"Gotcha!"

As I staggered back, she started to throw my sister's stuffed animals at me to continue her torture. Even though everything was soft and cute, she still had a hell of a throwing arm.

Naturally my sister merely laughed and laughed, the adorable little hellion.

"Haruhi! Can you stop this already?"

"Well, fine." She pouted. "I'm out of weapons!"

"Then let's start this damn project already, please?"

"Hey! No swearing in front of your sister! That's a penalty, Kyon!"

Are you joking? This is my own house, so why can't I say what I want to say? You have no authority, because this is not our clubroom! And since when is damn a swear word?

"No excuses!"

My dad has said worse when he saw my last report card! …probably not the best thing to remember.

Haruhi got up and walked past me, pulling on my sleeve. Of course she wouldn't bother to pick up the stuff from my sister's room that she threw, because she has no Koizumi to boss around.

A blessing and a curse, I guess.

"Now where should we work?"

"My room? It has a computer."

"Kyon!" Haruhi stopped to glare at me, but I noticed her cheeks were slightly red. "It's not appropriate for a boy and a girl to be in the same room alone! Especially when the boy's parents aren't home!"

Rolling my eyes, I tried to explain. "I still have to watch my sister either way."

"Oh that's sick! You want her to watch?"

No, we are NOT playing this stupid game of "classic tsundere misunderstandings". I suppose you're going to call me a "baka" and hit me for doing something vaguely provocative, right?

"Haruhi…." I pinched my nose. "Why did you choose me for this project, again?"

Her redness faded, and she looked thoughtful now.

"Because I'm your brigade chief, and each member of the SOS Brigade has to get the best grades they possibly can! It's a rule!"

Maybe for the school? Not for the club.

"If I didn't work with you, you would've picked one of those two idiots you always hang out with."

Don't talk about Kunikida like that.

"And you probably would've just slacked off!"

Well I'm sorry I'm not a super-smart alien like Nagato.

"Fine, fine…..we can get this done quickly if we just focus, okay?"

"That's the spirit, Kyon!"

It's like your emotions play Wheel of Fortune or something. One minute you're pissed off, the next you're all excited. Just let me spin and try to fill in the word already.

XXXXX

But we decided to work in my room anyways, opting to leave the door wide open. I had to convince Haruhi to get rid of the pepper spray, though.

I actually _pity_ the person that would try to force themselves on this girl.

"So let's see….." Haruhi looked over the assignment sheets, carefully, but then she looked irritated. "Hey, can we put the AC on?"

"It's busted." I said.

"What? But it's kinda stuffy in here!"

"So open the window."

"You do it! I'm your guest, after all!"

I sighed and got up to open my window, mentally wishing I _had_ Nagato to work with. She wouldn't complain or do anything crazy, hell we'd be done with the project already.

"Hey, can I have some tea?"

"You just said five minutes ago you didn't want any."

"A guest is allowed to order anything she wants!"

So if you wanted a third kidney, I would be perfectly justified in walking on the street and stabbing some poor man, right? Anything for her highness!

"You know, if you put half as much effort as you do your snark into your grades, you'd be the top student."

Sadly, she has a point.

"Alright, I'll go put on the water." I said, heading for the doorway.

"Ooh! Bring some snacks too!"

 _Sigh._

XXXXX

About 10 minutes later, I walked back with two cups of tea and some rice crackers in a tray. It wasn't much, but that wasn't important.

Naturally Haruhi had gotten distracted by something else.

"Hahahahaha! This is hilarious!"

She was reading a copy of One-Punch Man.

"Haruhi, did you forget?"

"Huh?"

She sat up (on my bed, no less) and stared at the tray I was carrying.

"Oh right!"

She yanked her cup and some crackers off the tray.

"Thanks Kyon, I was getting kinda hungry."

Well at least she thanked me for something. I should've recorded it.

"You're welcome…..now, let's start."

"Hold on."

"What now, Haruhi?"

My walking nightmare merely continued as she began to gesture wildly around the room.

"Your room needs organization, STAT! I can't work in a disorientated room!"

Oh for crying out loud. I try to vacuum and dust this place whenever I can, and I alphabetize my bookshelves! I'd hate to see what YOUR room looks like!

"Typical Kyon. Always focusing on the wrong things."

Hello kettle? It's pot. Can I call you black?

"So let's spruce this place up! It'll only take five minutes!"

Five minutes turned into ten, which turned 30, which turned into 50. And when we were finished, I was 99.99999999% sure my room looked _exactly the same as it did before!_

No, wait. Haruhi felt the need to put a tacky SOS paperweight on my nightstand. I'll probably throw it in the trash when she leaves.

"You'd better not! You'll upset the other club members if we visit your house in the future!"

Hmm, Asahina-san in my bedroom. No, Kyon, get those dirty thoughts out of your head.

Hmm, Koizumi in my bedroom. No, Kyon, kill yourself so you won't have to think about that anymore.

Hmm, Nagato in my bedroom. …I guess we could read in silence.

"Kyon-kun!"

My sister had walked in.

"I'm hungry….."

"You know how to make rice for yourself." I said, waiting for Haruhi to turn her head so I could throw that stupid paperweight out of the open window.

"Kyon! What kind of brother are you?! That's another penalty!"

The brother that wants to finish this project? The brother that wishes you would stop going off on tangents?

"You should make a meal for her and for me!"

"Yes ma'am." I mutter sarcastically. "What would you like?"

Apparently Haruhi can still be fooled by my tongue, because she thought I was serious as if I was offering the entire food world to her. She wanted _okonomiyaki._ What?

XXXXX

So now I'm in the kitchen, trying to make this insane request. At least my sister seemed excited. Then again, she gets excited if you do that dumb coin in an ear magic trick.

"You'd better not burn it, Kyon!"

"Haruhi, I'm not a gourmet chef. So if I screw this up…..there's not enough ingredients to make it again."

"That's okay, you can run to the corner store."

I like that she didn't even try to add a "we" or "me" to that sentence. And the nearest grocery store is ten blocks away!

"Hmm? I'll get it!" My sister said when I vaguely heard the door knock.

Oh please don't let it be Koizumi.

"Hey Kyon!"

Tanaguchi. Not better.

"I see you're uh…..busy right now."

Making dinner for my sister and insane brigade chief.

"I just wanted to borrow that manga you showed me the other day."

That got Haruhi's attention. She stomped up to Tanaguchi.

"Listen you, you came all of this way just to borrow Kyon's porn manga?"

I'm so glad my sister didn't come back to the kitchen yet. Tanaguichi turned bright red and waved his hands in a panic.

"N-No! It was One-Punch Man!"

"Oh, you read that too?"

She said, as if it was a hobby she been doing for years. She could've picked up Bleach, One Piece, or even Naruto instead when I was making that tea.

"You bet! It's the best! Hmm…..whatcha cooking there, buddy?"

I sighed when Haruhi explained it to him.

"Sounds great! I could use some food!"

"You can't be serious." I said, still focused on the grill. "Tanaguchi, don't you have a project to do?"

"Kunikida finished up the rest yesterday."

I'm sure bribery was involved. And of course, Haruhi doesn't stop me from cooking to work on said project.

Eventually the four of us were seated at the table, eating. My sister was enjoying it, as was Haruhi and Tanaguchi. Why I didn't tell him to get lost the second he walked in, I have no idea.

"So good!"

"Yeah! Okay Kyon, I'll take off one penalty for this. But in exchange, you have to make some for our class tomorrow!"

I think you've finally lost your mind, Haruhi. This was exhausting to make, and I would've served you instant ramen if you didn't bully me into doing it and my sister didn't look so happy. I'm not making this for 30 people!

"That's a great idea, Suzumiya!"

Oh shut up! Why didn't you just call for the manga instead of coming over?

"Tried to, but the line was all jacked up."

Note to self: beg parents for forgiveness for breaking phone.

XXXXX

Thankfully Tanaguchi left when we were done, and he didn't even thank me. Bastard.

"Well that hit the spot! What do you say we watch some TV?"

"Haruhi, it's 7:30 now. We really should be working on the project, and my parents come home in three hours or so. I'm sure your parents will get worried too."

Or perhaps throwing a mixer to celebrate time without their depraved daughter.

"You're right, you're right…"

Then the door knocked again.

"Don't answer that." I said immediately to my sister. "If Tanaguchi forgot something, he can get it tomorrow. That's what he gets for bad manners."

"Hi Tsuruya-san!"

Oh my god. Why didn't I staple Haruhi to the wall?

"Hi Haru-nya! Whatcha doin' at Kyon's house?"

Now at the door was the ever-energetic Tsuruya-san, Asahina-san's good friend and local heiress. If there was ever anybody that could match Haruhi's eccentricities, it was her.

Come to think of it, why wasn't _she_ part of the Brigade?

"Oh I'm just helping Kyon with schoolwork, since he asked me to."

I did not "ask" you to come over. I did not "ask" to make you okonomiyaki. I did not "ask" you to take nearly an hour fixing up my room. And I did not "ask" you to open the door!

Wasn't this dumb project a group effort?

"Ohhhhh." Tsuruya nodded as if she understood, or maybe not, because she winked at me. Why are you winking at me? You think I _like_ having Haruhi in my house?

"So what's up?"

Haruhi, this is my home, not yours.

"I wanted to give Kyon an invitation to my birthday party, but since you're here, Haru-nya, I can give you yours too!" Tsuruya held up two envelopes.

It's like everyone today just forgot what a phone is. Why didn't you mail it to me?

"To make sure you got it! Duh!" Then came her annoying (but slightly charming) bits of laughter.

"Hang on, Tsuruya-san, can little sister come too? She'll be good."

What is this? First you act as if you live here, and now you're talking as if we swapped siblings, or something. Oh please tell me you don't have siblings.

"Sure!" That earned a cheer from my sister. I'm glad _one_ occupant of this address is enjoying themselves tonight.

When Tsuruya-san left (again, more winking), Haruhi turned to me.

"Okay! Let's get something good for Tsuruya-san. I think the department stores are still open…."

Do you even listen to yourself? We have to finish this project before tomorrow, and you're acting as if we have all the time in the world!

"Don't be so cranky, Kyon! _You_ should get her something better, because after all, a _lady_ has invited you to her house."

She has enough money to buy me 10 times over!

"Haruhi, can we please just get back to work?"

XXXXX

Finally I got through to this girl. We managed to head back to my room, with no more manga reading or other stupid distractions, and for a solid half hour, we got some headway on the project.

Until…..

"Hey Kyon, did you remember to feed your cat?"

Shamisen had walked into my room, meowing.

"Yes Haruhi."

"When?" Her eyes narrowed. "I was with you for the past few hours!"

Please don't remind me.

"You'd better make sure, because what would your sister think if you killed her cat?"

At this point I think you want to kidnap my sister and turn her into you. Two Haruhis, double the trouble! And Shamisen is technically _my_ cat.

And yet, I ended up opening a can of cat food for him. At least my sister was kind enough to do the dishes from our dinner.

"See? He's stopped meowing."

What makes you a pet expert now? I'm pretty sure you've probably killed every pet you've ever had, probably because you thought they could fly, shoot laser beams, or something else equally ridiculous!

"Great. Back to work."

"KYAH!"

Haruhi had screamed and latched onto my arm.

"What now, Haruhi?"

"I saw a mouse! Disgusting!"

Somebody wake me up from this, I beg you. Even if it's the teacher yelling at me for sleeping during class again.

"Well where did you think you saw it?"

"Behind the fridge! We have to catch it!"

 _We?_ You're serious. You want us to waste _more_ time looking for a mouse that you may or may not have seen?

"I definitely saw it, Kyon!" Haruhi scowled. "Don't doubt your brigade chief!"

She was still latching onto my arm.

At the risk of making my sister hysterical later, I decided to look for this alleged mouse. I say "I" because Haruhi was too busy bossing me around.

"To the left! Nono, to the right! My right!"

"Haruhi, there's no point in having me move the fridge! The mouse will just scamper away!"

"Well don't you guys have any traps?"

The closet, I guess?

Thankfully Haruhi raced out of the room to look. I only could hope she wasn't about to start a manhunt for this damn thing.

And then the door knocked again. Nope, I am not falling for this again. No more distractions, no more annoying visitors. I already have one still tethered here.

"Get the door, Kyon-kun!" My sister called out. I guess she was watching her usual anime at this time of night. The one titled "I Can't Believe My Big Brother Is So Easy to Manipulate".

Still no Haruhi.

I facepalmed and got up, walking to the door with the hope that it was an assassin ready to kill me so I can end this nightmare.

"Greetings."

"Nagato? Is everything okay?"

The bookworm alien nodded once. She was still wearing the school uniform form earlier today. Did she ever change into pajamas when she was alone? I wonder what color they'd be. …..focus!

"Yes."

"…..so what's up?"

She held out her hand, as if she was expecting something.

"The novel I loaned to you. You said you would be done by tonight."

Oh shoot I did say that. And I did say I'd give her my detailed thoughts on it. I didn't even crack it open yet!

"Um…..I just need another week. Is that okay?"

"That is acceptable."

I could tell her voice had a touch of disappointment in it. After being with Nagato for so long, I could pick up on her subtle moods, even if her voice was as robotic as ever.

"I'm sorry. Listen, I need a favor."

Nagato cocked her head.

"You can detect when other life forms are in a space, right?"

"That is correct."

"Could you see if there's a mouse in my kitchen?"

I stepped to the side to let her pass, but she shook her head and put a hand on my front door. Her mouth began to move incredibly fast, as if she was saying code or something backwards.

"…..there are no rodents in your home. Only you, your sister, and Haruhi Suzumiya."

"Thanks." I sighed in relief. "I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

Nagato nodded, and turned to leave.

When I re-entered the kitchen, Haruhi was grinning like a fiend, wearing a football helmet. In her hand was a spatula with the remains of a grey mouse.

Oh, she meant _alive_ rodents. I need to be specific…..

"Glad you caught it. Can we finish this project already?"

"No! We need to disinfect this entire kitchen from top to bottom!"

Please kill me please kill me please kill me please-

XXXXX

 _Eventually_ our little task was complete, but at this point, I wanted to just to go to sleep already. The clock said 9:45.

"Haruhi, I'm exhausted."

"Me too. I'm gonna use your shower, okay?"

Uhhh what?

"You heard me! And if I catch you peeping, that's 100 penalties!"

It's like focusing is impossible for this girl. I'm sweaty too, but you don't see _me_ rushing to wash myself. Oh well. We have some time before my parents get home, so maybe I can just work on it myself.

"Kyon-kun…." My sister walked in and yawned, clad in her pajamas with her hair down. "Can you tuck me in?"

Aw how could I say no? I think Haruhi had destroyed all of my resistance for the day.

XXXXX

When the clock hit 10:20, I had managed to complete a good chunk of our project. No more visitors, no more annoyances….my mind was wondering why and how Haruhi was taking so long, but the last thing I should do is picture her in the shower.

Oh great, now I'm picturing _Asahina-san_ in the shower. I think _I_ need a shower now. A cold one, to be exact.

"Okay, I called my parents." Haruhi walked in my….mother's bathrobe?, wiping her hair with a towel. "They said I could sleep over."

"What? How did your parents agree to let you sleep over a boy's house?"

"You're so dumb, Kyon. I said I was at Mikuru's!"

If you were with Asahina-san's house, I'm pretty sure she would be crying right now.

"Hey this looks good!"

Good. If we hurry, Haruhi, we can be done by 11:30 or so.

"Just remember, you're sleeping on the couch tonight."

Excuse me?

"Yeah! I'm not sleeping in your room with you in it!" Her cheeks were red again.

So why can't _you_ sleep on the couch instead?

"You're such a bad host, Kyon!"

I fed you and you took my mother's bathrobe!

Wait a minute…..how am I supposed to explain this to my parents? I guess they'd be alright with it, but my mother would definitely be uneasy with a girl sleeping over. With said girl wearing her bathrobe.

"Haruhi, maybe I should call my parents to see if it's okay?"

"No need! They're probably exhausted from being out so long! Let's not bother them."

You say this after you've put your naked body in her….no, Kyon! Purify your heart and mind!

"So let's finish this project!"

Great.

But when I tried to work some more, my eyes kept getting heavy. Don't tell me I'm getting sleepy now? I guess that's what happens when you have unfiltered Haruhi in your house.

"Wake up Kyon! Don't start slacking now! I'll tell your parents!"

Before or after you tell them you're wearing my mother's bathrobe?

"Oh shut up!"

"Just give me five minutes, okay?"

"Well okay."

Naturally when I opened up my eyes, Haruhi was out cold. I guess that's what happens when you try to be fancy Miss SOS even during my relaxing time at home.

I sighed and picked up the materials for the project, but not before putting my blanket over Haruhi's sleeping form.

Note to self: ask Kunikida to be my partner next time.

 **FIN**

 **Ending notes: Originally my Haruhi idea was gonna be a crossover of sorts with another series, but hey, this works too.**


End file.
